it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
