Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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