Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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