I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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