Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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