How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
