nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
