a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Verdict: uncircumcised.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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