all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
