Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
