I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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