on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
