Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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