How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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