you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
