my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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