So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
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Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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