OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
