we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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