You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
