woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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