This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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