just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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