I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
