Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
