Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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