I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
