i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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