We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
