I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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