I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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