omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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