I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
