My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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