He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
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You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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