WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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