i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
