once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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