Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood