She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.