If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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