you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
