Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
