Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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