I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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