Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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