the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
