I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
