Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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