Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
