she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
