i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He passed out mid-signature
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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