your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
