I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
