Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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