When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize