Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
