in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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