You can't special order awesome
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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