Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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