Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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