She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
