Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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